i only wear white when it rains

because blogging is cheaper than therapy

Archive for October 2010

fresh market grand opening and i don’t know things

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Since I’ve been waiting for the Fresh Market Grand Opening since the razing of Coconut Point, or the plaza formerly offering fried pickles, used golf equipment and plantation shutters, I didn’t bother to check on the actual hours this morning. I just assumed it opened when I got my latte and found a parking spot. So let’s just get out there that I’m pretty confident I crashed a private preview party. Worst-case scenario I whip out my press pass for this blog and they send me to the Sweetbay on MLK.

Perched just before the Martha Stewart Living Fall Edition display of pumpkins and Indian corn outside the entrance, I noticed a woman sporting a black pantsuit roasting like a rotisserie cornish game hen. Judging by the amount of senior citizens flocking around her table like they were at a free cholesterol screening, it was obvious she was giving something away. So I headed over to exchange my (fake Yahoo) email address for a free Fresh Market tote. Don’t be intimidated by the form you fill out because it has those little letter boxes. I can never fit my letters in those little effing boxes either. If it makes you feel any better, there are Jelly Beans in that tote.

Upon entering Fresh Market you will be greeted by a flower display that for the love of Charlie Crist contains no spray-painted carnations. Because it rivals most flower shops in St. Pete (especially those that sprinkle glitter on their roses. ew), it is completely acceptable to buy a bouquet even though you leave for Disney tomorrow and will not return until it is a pile of  potpourri on your dining room table.

Then you’re off to the produce section which delightfully has no flies swirling around piles of bruised nectarines from Mexico. If you forgot your iPod (amateur – biggest shopping faux pas ever), I recommend the following solution for keeping employees from asking you 300 times if you need assistance:

Pantsuit-Wearing Fresh Market Employee: “Miss (okay, whatever, maybe he said Ma’am, I need Botox) – do you need help finding anything?”

Me: “Yes, bananas.” (now make sure you say this as you are putting the bananas in your cart; they will not bother you again.)

Then you’re off to determine whether or not the Fresh Market produce is nuclear or just on steroids. The honeycrisp apples would pass for shiny red Priuses in the parking lot, the Portabella mushroom caps could double as umbrellas, and the strawberries are so big they require diving boards above swimming pools of chocolate for dipping. I felt a bit like Alice after she shrank to fit through the keyhole. I couldn’t tell if I should be excited about asparagus that big or a little scared?

Past the produce section you’ll find the seafood counter where en croute Chilean seabass awaits you for $22.99 a pound. As my good friend Patty Melt suggests, “Don’t practice being poor until you have to, honey.” (Patty’s alimony runs out next month). So I filled my cart with coconut-crusted shrimp, lobster cakes (this is Fresh Market – crabcakes are so Publix) and pecan-crusted trout filets. I will eat none of this, but I do feel good about stimulating the economy.

I skipped right over the bakery because just glancing at the four-inch peak of frosting on the Halloween cupcakes caused my pancreas to pump out a painful amount of insulin. Likewise, I avoided the colorful melange of olives at the olive bar because I knew spending too much time there would cause my hair to smell like Falafel King. I passed by many foods I could not identify, which made me feel a longing to eat something other than oatmeal from Starbucks. I want to eat Lingonberries too! Or at the very least know what they are.

As I headed back to the refrigerator section comprised of enough yogurt to completely eradicate yeast infections, I noticed a unique feature which promises to keep Lucas Lightning Jackleg-Montalban a regular customer: the “Create Your Own 6-pack”  display. He can then head over to the $3.99 a-pound ale nuts container and have his grocery shopping done for the week. Does Fresh Market stock toiletries? Natch. In fact, Mr. Jackleg-Montalban can now get away with a #7 (not showering after a night of Yuengling and bad judgment) by drinking Republic of Tea’s “Get Clean” tea (see below). And if he ever decides to woo (or roofie) women with wine not from a box, Fresh Market has a small, but respectable selection from which to choose. Sadly, no Caymus.

In summary, Fresh Market promises to make Publix look like an inner-city soup kitchen. The fact that they stock Alexia Julienne fries with seasalt is reason enough to go. Just remember your iPod.

How Fresh Market ensures you never bring your kids here

For when you were too drunk to shower (#7)

And perhaps the most compelling reason to shop here

Sadly, this does not work as a cupholder for your latte

I'm pretty sure at Sweetbay this is just "onion relish"

These paninis will make you feel like total white trash for waiting in the Publix sub line

Um, Fresh Market? I don't cook.

Where you'll find Lucas Lightning Jackleg-Montalban

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 13, 2010 at 12:23 pm

why i love my daughter

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“Mommy. Can you help me with her dress?”

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October 12, 2010 at 6:04 pm

i’m a responsible homeowner

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Recently I noticed my pool filter coughing, sneezing and gasping for breath. Well, it is flu season. Shockingly, I could find nothing in my manual about viral illnesses, so I decided to head outside to perform an exam.

The Boogie Board appeared to be taking the pool’s rectal temperature. Not surprisingly, I found some congestion when I uncovered the lid:

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 12, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Posted in Viscous Phlegm

will work for black forest ham

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At some point I’ll have to fabricate a resume since my real CV expired years ago, and is firmly lodged in the bowels of a dead PC that a certain husband saw no need in rescuing from Hospice as it clicked and sputtered its life away last Summer.

That now extinct hard drive sits untouched on my bookshelf like an urn of ashes waiting to be resurrected for $3,500 (or three years of alimony) and an insatiable desire for Aunt Ethel’s tapioca pudding recipe trapped on a Word ’97 doc.

But until then, I’m diligently searching for the next job opportunity in every nail salon, yoga studio, Starbucks and Neiman Marcus I visit.

So what if my dream job is writing for The New Yorker (I mean The Onion)? I’m not sure my future employers will appreciate me explaining what was in my portfolio before my husband tossed it in the trash during a move. Nor would they be impressed by my clippings from the Florida Concrete Association magazine. So until I can steal someone else’s identity, I’m wondering if any of you have connections with the following publication (fingers crossed).

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October 12, 2010 at 10:59 am

why i’m not going to tonight’s game

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Last Thursday, my $78 infield seats included a complimentary view of this:

So it made enjoying my hot pretzel a little more challenging than usual, and let’s face it, that’s the only reason I go to Rays games.

If you do plan on attending tonight’s game and don’t want to park in Tampa and helicopter in, you can park right in front of Ferg’s in the 2-hour spots for the cost of a $25 parking ticket and a small pile of vomit on the hood of your car. Okay, bargain on the parking ticket (Mr. Jackleg-Montalban paid the same amount for a parking violation-free spot much farther away). And as for the vomit. Um. Have you seen my car?

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 12, 2010 at 10:12 am

home today: existence of laundry hard to deny

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I’m letting Ainsley stay home to recover from the trauma of Chuck E Sneeze. Only if you have the immunity of my indestructible friend Lucas Lightning Jackleg-Montalban can you escape the viral load of Chuck E Sneeze unscathed. He wasn’t there, but I’m confident he could have licked the ticket chomper, stayed at Bar Louie until 3 am, eaten a club sammy at vi and still woken up two hours later ready to run 10 miles.

Ainsley was fine by 7:35 am. But I just walked past the festering abscess that is my laundry room. Now can someone please bring me a scrunchee, Pepto Bismol and a bucket?

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 11, 2010 at 10:09 am

Posted in Viscous Phlegm

all i want for christmas

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Nothing can plunge you faster into filing for chapter 7  than “The Christmas Book” by Neiman Marcus. Now mailed out the last week in September, it also serves to underscore your utter incompetence for not yet having decorated for the holidays. I realize if I’m going to purchase the $1.5 million Dale Chihuly Pool installation featured on page 49 I might want to give Santa a heads up, but should I really be thinking about Christmas when I haven’t blown dirt out of my nose from the first pumpkin patch yet?

So although I cannot even consider locating my Dickens Village that has its own zip code, I can get excited about this Edible Gingerbread House by Dylan’s Candy Bar ($15,000).  If this doesn’t arrive Dec. 25 via FedEx home delivery, I fully intend to storm out of my living room beating fists in the air and crying, “It’s not fair. I only asked for one thing.”

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 11, 2010 at 9:02 am

breaking news

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New carts at Target (Gateway).

I haven’t been this excited since they trucked in the motherload of Purell cart wipes. Now if this piece of crap store would only get a Starbucks, I’d never have to go home.

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October 10, 2010 at 10:58 am

my new, all-natural diet aid and birth control plan

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Because either I’m a masochist or a very good friend, I took Ainsley and Zeina’s two girls to Chuck E Sneeze yesterday. On a Saturday. Even though I wanted to scratch my eyes out with the Lollipop each girl won with 1,400 tickets, $50 and three hours of my miserable existence later, I was too afraid of the painful bacterial infection it was sure to inflict. So let me just apologize in advance if you plan to eat any time in the next 24 hours, but I feel compelled to post stealth iPhone pics of a few of my favorite patrons.

Because I still cannot unsee these, my plan is to not sacrifice my retinas in vain and instead go there every week equipped with my iPhone and no less than 300 individually packaged GermX towelettes. I will use the photographic evidence to either prove the existence of the Missing Link or to develop an all-natural appetite suppression and birth control regimen. And hopefully make enough money from this venture (combined with my Lone Shoe masterpiece) that I won’t have to resort to buying powdered laundry detergent on the three Fig Newtons I will be paid in alimony.

Just be glad these pictures are not scratch ‘n sniff.

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October 10, 2010 at 9:28 am

my head is splitting open with phlegm

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Not sure what’s worse. The sudden onset of a bitchy sinus infection that may require a borehole in my skull. Or this blog.

All I know is that several of you have requested that I start blogging instead of inundating your inboxes with worthless email. I’m assuming it’s just easier to ignore me that way. I resisted at first until I realized it’s actually a brilliant idea.

Me: “Give me that 30% off coupon for Gymboree or else I’ll blog about your secret crush on your kid’s tennis instructor. Oh, and please make sure there is extra foam in my latte.”

So read or don’t read. I don’t really care. I just need something to pass the time while I break Oprah’s Pledge.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Posted in Viscous Phlegm

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