i only wear white when it rains

because blogging is cheaper than therapy

Archive for November 2010

includes fully stocked liquor cabinet

leave a comment »

…and trapdoor for daddy’s mistresses.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 30, 2010 at 2:09 pm

chattaway epiphanies

leave a comment »

I guess a bigger Gator fan might have stayed home to mourn our disappointing loss to the Semenholes tonight. But I was just thankful not to be in Tallahassee cutting gum out of my hair. 

Besides, it was my friend Scrabble’s 40th Birthday and we were to meet at the historic Chattaway Restaurant. I had never been there before but was confident Carrabba’s it was not.

As I pulled into the gravel parking lot in South St. Pete, a man smoking unfiltered cigarettes and sporting a rocker mullet and acid-washed jeans flagged me down. I opened my window, wondering if perhaps he was breaking the news that this wasn’t actually Scrabble’s birthday bash but rather a Loverboy concert.

“I was just waving,” the man, who I later discovered to be a band member on a smoke break, explained.

“Okay…” I said, feeling pretty sure if feathered roach clips were still around, he had one hanging from the rearview mirror of his car right beside the “leather scented” Little Tree.

As I crossed the rickety wooden bridge to enter the Chattaway’s al fresco dining area adjacent to a coral pink ramshackle that it called home, I debated whether it was possible The Copper Monkeys slipped LSD into my vodka during the Gator game.

Trellises adorned with Jasmine and colorful strands of Christmas lights helped to camouflage the occasional Travelocity-like garden gnome, fairy or whimsical tree face. Hand-painted clawfoot bathtub gardens made you question, “Why the hell not use a bathtub as a planter?” And also, “Am I still tripping?” The fusion of its Margaritaville, Caribbean, kitschy, 60s hippie vibe was made even more schizophrenic by the restaurant’s interior tea room complete with real china, British memorabilia and lace table runners.

But perhaps the Chattaway’s most interesting dichotomy was its clientele.

Surrounding its outdoor space heaters and Parrothead walk-up bar was a combination of yellow-toothed locals boasting single-stranded DNA and…us. A tight-knit group of about 20 overly educated, Range Rover driving parents of private school children who wanted to escape in their pitchers of beer and Chattaway burger baskets. It struck me then that this was the ideal setting for Scrabble’s birthday, as she is a bit of an enigma herself.

One of the most brilliant people I know, Scrabble may have read every book on the New York Times bestseller list this year, but she has trouble spelling the word “does.” Despite her age, she’ll maintain the envious quality of always looking 16. Her hair is that pin-straight shiny that never requires a flat iron or my overpriced Frederic Fekkai glossing conditioner. And most admirable? She seems to genuinely adore her husband. A soft-spoken but incredibly intelligent and interesting  fatherly type who would encourage you to enjoy dessert despite its toll on your hips.

As I sipped an imported beer from a mug that may have doubled for one of the Chattaway tubs, I began to relish in the warmth and enchantment of this 50-year old eatery. Sitting across from my gorgeous friend Mary who possesses the rare cornflower blue-eyed-black-hair combo, I was completely entertained by the notion that this world is more bipolar than not. Because just a few inches behind her, a Joan Jett lookalike with tire marks on her forehead was sloppily gyrating to the band’s classic rock covers. It was evident Joan Jett was a strung-out groupie, and I found it comical that someone so rugged and timeworn would be in the same sightline as one of the most refined women I know.

It was then that my friend’s husband Mr. Camper sparked a heated debate about who was more desirable at Ridgemont High. Clearly one would guess that her absence of a gag reflex and the most iconic bikini scene ever would have earned Linda this title, but he swore most men would pick Stacy. A poll at our table proved him shockingly correct. Mr. Camper was either animated and hysterically funny or asleep in a narcoleptic coma. Why is it that it has taken me 30(cough) years to discover we are more Cybil than we realize?

I don’t claim to understand much. I’m baffled by simple concepts. Like how even 100 units of Botox cannot stop my forehead from moving. Or why we slam on the brakes at the Sunpass toll even though we know the gate is foam and will do no damage when we plow right through it. But it was at the Chattaway Restaurant in South St. Petersburg that I was able to finally understand and embrace that waiting outside every stuffy tea room lurks an eccentric garden gnome ready to dance when the time is right.


Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

i sold my torch to pay attorney’s fees

with one comment

I suppose because I’ve dodged a Vicodin addiction, avoided a 100-pound weight gain/loss, and don’t depend on my therapist to tell me whether I want my hot chocolate with or without whip, I’m perceived as dealing well with my divorce.

In fact, lately I’ve become a sort of Statue of Liberty for women in perilous situations who are about to fall, jump or be pushed into the steaming cesspit of marriage dissolution. Somehow when I said, “Let’s get drunk on frozen strawberries soaked in Effen vodka while we watch a Gator game and forget how shitty my life is,” what everyone heard was: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

When did I become a beacon of hope and promise? I haven’t been able to navigate these murky waters any better than Lucas Lightning trying to find Penelope’s car in the amphitheater parking lot after a Dave Matthews concert and no less than 12 community beers.

And that light at the end of the tunnel that all your “happily divorced” friends rave about? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s a train.

Because I still prefer Tic Tacs to Wellbutrin, I’m becoming aware of the many pitfalls of severing ties once and for all. Here are some considerations before you hand over that $10,000 retainer to your attorney (which, incidentally, will be used in the first week):

  • If you think your husband was pissed off when you accidentally plowed your Land Rover through the garage door, then just wait until you take half of his 401k.
  • Your $360-an-hour forensic accountant’s job is not to compute your “lifestyle analysis,” it’s to determine how much money he can actually extort from you. Save yourself $20k and put your expenses in an Excel spreadsheet yourself.
  • You might be able to stomach the thought of your husband sleeping with another woman, but how about her chargrilling fajitas on your Viking range? Or hanging her clothes in your custom-built-to-accommodate-200-pairs-of-shoes closet?
  • That hospital fundraiser may be getting stale. But seeing the invitation addressed to your (ex)husband “and guest”?  Ouch.
  • Your attorney is not your friend. If you have $10 in marital assets, understand that you and your husband will each end up with 50 cents. The attorney will get the rest and then tell you how lucky you are to have that 50 cents. After all, you only deserved a dime.
  • Like it or not, you will now be lumped into the “single” category. It might be wise to start perpetuating a rumor that you are a celibate lesbian to avoid any awkward set-ups or eradicate any unwarranted husband-stealing concerns.

So I guess my only advice to those of you about to set sail toward the Mother of Exile is this: Turn your fucking boats around.

This might be the land of the brave, but divorce is hardly free.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 21, 2010 at 11:14 pm

Posted in heady

i want to follow whoever buys this

with 2 comments

And then slap HE WHO BUYS it in the parking lot. You’re a little bitch Lucas.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 12, 2010 at 2:04 pm

my milk

leave a comment »

Does anyone think this statement should be followed with "So it really doesn't fuck!ng matter."

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 12, 2010 at 8:22 am

what came first: the germ-x or the phlegm

leave a comment »

I’m once again succumbing to a Nyquil addiction undoubtedly due to something irresponsible I did. Such as breathe air.

For the life of me I cannot understand why I won’t so much as wipe an eyelash off my cheek without Purelling first. Yet I’m always one single-celled microorganism away from hospitalization.

And then you have Lucas Lightning Retardo-Montalban who can eat dinner off a changing table at a daycare center and run the Boston Marathon the next day. This was just an overstated exaggeration until I recently performed a single-blinded scientific experiment. Once I felt my sinuses begin to inflate my frontal lobe like a Thanksgiving Day parade float, I thought it might be a good time to forget about my incubation period and accidentally on purpose backwash in Lucas’ passion tea.

Three day later, I’m ready to bore a hole into my cerebellum to drain the phlegm while that jackleg regales me with stories about the last time he was sick (September 1999).

I’ll never understand my susceptibility to food poisoning or viral illnesses. Shouldn’t the owner of an ultraviolet purification light be the person who does not get sick? My mother will maintain (to justify her penchant for walking around outdoors barefoot like she’s still at Woodstock) that it’s because I’m “too clean.” But I can’t help but wonder…what if I wasn’t?  I just know that if I ended up eating Auntie Annie’s cinnamon pretzel sticks at the mall without first washing my hands, I’d probably be the only reported case of a flesh-eating gastrointestinal disease in Pinellas County. And what if  I was roofied into seeing a movie at the Regal Cinema 16 in Pinellas Park and picked popcorn out of my teeth with unwashed fingernails (um, and yes, Rophynol would need to be involved for this to occur)? I’m confident there would be IV antibiotics and a colostomy bag in my future.

So to be safe, I will continue to Purell my steering wheel every time I get my car back from the valet and train my daughter to open doors with her elbows (my proudest parental achievement), hoping that I can at least minimize the assaults on my disinfected immune system. In the meantime, I’m pretty sure our only defense against biological warfare is lurking within Lucas’ mucous membranes.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 11, 2010 at 8:08 pm

Posted in Viscous Phlegm

hey – pimp my ride

leave a comment »

Got news for you. Supporting the “Police Athletic League” is not going to stop the cops from pulling you over at a random traffic stop to search your completely limo-tinted, tricked-out stretch Mercedes thus finding your silicone prostate massager, cinnamon-flavored throat numbing spray and methamphetamine collection in the trunk. Nice try though.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 11, 2010 at 2:26 pm

dear american express:

leave a comment »

I realize your quarterly earnings must have decreased substantially since my husband ripped the AmEx from my hands five months ago and informed you that I was training with Al Quaida. So I can appreciate why you may be feeling the impact of my recent inability to stimulate the economy. However, your rejection letter this morning was a bit insensitive. You are “unable to extend me a credit card at this time?” Ouch. What is it that you suggest I do? Forego the upgrades, complimentary breakfasts and companion fares you have promised in exchange for me maintaining my perfect attendance record at every Nordstrom Semi-Annual Sale since 1997?

After all we’ve been through together (our Four Seasons upgrade in France, breakfast buffets at the JW Marriott, Club Level benefits at the Ritz, Concierge service at the Grand Floridian, et al) it’s hardly reasonable for me to slap down an Orchard Bank Student Visa card on the marble Neiman’s checkout counter. Especially since Neiman’s. Doesn’t. Even. Accept. Visa.

So please reconsider your hasty, thoughtless decision. If not for me and those True Religion boot-cut jeans my thigh bulge is pining for, then at least do it for our country. You know that I’m our nation’s best chance at economic recovery.


Someone who prefers Platinum to Apple Trees

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 11, 2010 at 12:51 pm

no great exit

with one comment

Saturday evening I attended the Great Explorations Museum fundraising event aboard the StarLite dinner cruise ship. Normally I eschew any venue that employs “for a dazzling night out” as their signature slogan. But since

What ruins this picture more: the blinker or my cropping job?

my dear friend Penelope knows that no matter how many dirty martinis she drinks, I promise to do something insane enough to make even her look sober, she gave me one of her boarding passes. It seemed only fair that I make the effort to determine what is “cruise casual” when we are experiencing highs of 47 degrees.

Which brings me to my friend the Ringmaster and what cruise casual is not. His lion-taming wife may be able to rock an open-backed nautical tank, but she needs to crack her black whip the next time he picks out a rayon/polyester blend floral number better suited for braiding palm frond hats at the Nealwater (sic) Pier.

But in all fairness to the Ringmaster, most of us completely ignored the dress code. Just as we overlooked the fact that 300 people were crammed into a mirrored, neon lit, floating equivalent of a Motel 6 Lounge complete with a band that played “La Bamba.” Twice.

Everyone has their exit song. For my brother, and, well, most of the earth, it’s “The Electric Slide.” But La Bamba is right up there with “Funky Cold Medina” on my: hear-it-and-I’m-out playlist. It was during the second “Ay, Arriba, Arriba” that I realized the pure genius of hosting an event in quarters close enough to allow inadvertent anal sex with strangers. We. Can’t. Leave. What a brilliant plan by the Great Ex board, which is in large part led by my favorite (espresso) drinking partner (in crime) and gossip-mongering Yenta.

Because I could make no Great Exit, I had to endure more than a few painful discoveries:

  1. Sometimes when you bid on an autographed Bucs football in the silent auction, you are too intoxicated to put your bid number on the correct bid sheet and end up buying a baseball signed by someone you’ve never even heard of.
  2. Being introduced to a man who jokingly acts like he already knows you and even dated you in high school is cute and flirty. If he’s not 73.
  3. You’re better off eating the side dish accompanying the filet mignon than you are being a complete pain in the ass and ordering the vegetarian harvest. Unless you want to be the only stupid bitch on the whole boat who is eating squash floating in ketchup for dinner.

In an effort to entertain myself and horrify friends, I decided to dig out a life preserver and put it on over my Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress that is as close to cruise casual as I’m going to get without shuffleboard and an all-you-can-eat midnight pasta buffet. This plan is only amusing if I can keep a straight face as I socialize, peruse auction items and eat my zucchini while looking at everyone like, “What? Just trying to be safe.”

Enter my friend Murfreesboro who has beauty pageant good looks and Southern grace, but also is the type of girl who will jokingly wrestle your 240-lb personal trainer and accidentally rip off his arm. You do not want to mess with her. So when she jabbed her pointer into my life preserver hard enough to break a rib before pushing it down on my breasts so forcefully a mammogram seemed gentle, I realized the life preserver needed to go. After I recovered from my punctured lung, she pushed me, Grey Goose spilling, into an alcohol-induced set up with a still-technically-married, handsome in a Bee Gees sort of dreaminess guy who would have been all the more attractive had I not known for a fact his wife was waiting back at shore with a machete ready to give me a haircut. I once wore a headband for a year trying to grow out an unfortunate bangtastrophe. I was not taking any chances.

The night culminated with fireworks (romantic only if your date is not a slice of amaretto cheesecake) and a makeshift rickshaw ride by Murfreesboro. She pushed me down into a wheelbarrow at the marina and gave me a not surprisingly bumpy ride back to the Vinoy. Where, I’m pretty sure, my uterus is still lying on the sidewalk.

Notice the Murfreesboro poke hole

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 10, 2010 at 1:49 pm

with 2 comments

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

November 8, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

%d bloggers like this: