i only wear white when it rains

because blogging is cheaper than therapy

Archive for September 2010

death and taxes

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Someone much wiser than I said these are the only certainties in life. Um, that was Ben Franklin for those of you who mistakenly thought it was Yo Gabba Gabba. But I disagree. Partially because I believe in the afterlife and reincarnation (I’m coming back as a dolphin), but mostly because I’m a big proponent of offshore accounts in Nevis. So I’m challenging Ben with a few of my own certainties:

1. If I wear white; there is a 98% chance of rain.

2. I only receive neighborhood  burglary alerts from the Tierra Verde homeowners association on the days I forget to set my house alarm.

3. I only get stuck at a drawbridge if I have to pee or have ice cream in my car.

4. You will never see more than one abandoned shoe. I have never in all my years seen a PAIR of shoes discarded on the side of the road. I call it the “The Law of the Lone Shoe.” It’s like gravity. Or rather the gravitational pull of Starbucks in the morning or Nordstrom Rack once I get my first alimony check. A good friend recently told me, “Of course there is only a single shoe. Why would anyone throw out a pair of shoes?” I love you, buddy, but under what circumstances would one feel the need to throw any shoe out the window of their El Camino while driving 80mph on Alligator Alley?

So the next time you see a lone Reebok perched on a fence post like a crown or a single tattered Nike strewn on the sidewalk, snap a picture and send it to me for the coffee table book I plan to publish. I’ll sell three copies (to my mom) and split the proceeds with you.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

September 21, 2010 at 9:55 am

oprah’s pledge not to text and drive

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Here’s my new pledge:

“I will only text and drive when I want to avoid a costly maintenance on my Land Rover.”

You see friends, this morning I was replying to an urgent text that may or may not have had to do with the tailgating (cocktail) menu for this Saturday’s Gator game when I semi drove my right tires up on a curb that appeared out of nowhere on 16th. I blame this minor mishap less on my texting and more on the fact that my car pulls so far to the right due to a much-needed alignment that if I let go of the steering wheel for a second I end up in the Atlantic Ocean. So after I realized “phew, no flat tire” and erased the shrill voice of my mother threatening to “tell Oprah” on me, I discovered that I knocked my car back into alignment. Now I can let go of my steering wheel (as I just did on the Interstate while writing this), and drive relatively straight. So I’m canceling that tire rotation and wheel alignment and writing Oprah to tell her about the benefits of texting and driving.

 My Strawberry Effen Gatortails were REEdiculously yummy.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

September 20, 2010 at 11:15 am

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