i only wear white when it rains

because blogging is cheaper than therapy

Archive for the ‘daily affirmations and observations’ Category

a new kimonesapedia entry

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Ebolopening: what your nail tech gives you during a manicure right before you fly into Laguardia.

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 23, 2014 at 11:59 am

my roomba hates my guts

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

July 10, 2014 at 2:34 pm

my fresh-pressed juice recipe

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You’ll feel like you’re licking the armpit sweat off of a Falafel King employee with this homemade elixir which promises to terrorize your colon.

“The Spicy Armpit”

Ingredients:
4 oz of organic baby kale (triple washed to reduce your chances of salmonella poisoning by 1 to 2%, at most).

1 giant clump of ginger root that resembles the anatomically correct Fallopian tube model in your gynecologist’s office (I have no idea if you’re supposed to peel it first, so will most likely die because I didn’t).

4 peeled clementines (this will produce about 1/89 oz of juice, for the record; not enough to sweeten the bitter burst of kale death you’re about to experience).

1 overripe Pink Lady apple that you probably should have thrown out two weeks ago but you were too busy still cleaning out your juicer from last month.

Juice on high until the green sludge drizzles out into your juicing cup, like toxic fertilizer runoff into the Ohio River.

Throw out your juicer because it would be quicker to order a Blueprint juice and have it shipped 3-day air then it would be to clean that thing.

Pour into a cocktail shaker with ice (and vodka if you’re smart).

Enjoy while watching World Cup soccer and pretending it’s Julio Cesar’s ass sweat you’re chugging (which is pretty much the only way to get it down).

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

June 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

fitting roomtastrophe

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fitting roomtastrophe

When the salesperson said, “let me know if you need another size,” clearly that was his way of telling me, “you haven’t been an extra small since you were 12.”

I honestly don’t even know what happened here.

Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

May 9, 2014 at 4:29 pm

first sign you’re in the wrong grocery store

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Cart shortcuts to the Cheese Whiz and Hamburger Helper.

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

December 17, 2013 at 4:10 pm

most redundant license plate ever

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 8, 2013 at 10:38 am

best writing job ever: bike seat descriptions

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

October 1, 2013 at 6:10 pm

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