i only wear white when it rains

If there is one thing a journalism degree from the University of Florida promises (besides unemployment), it’s a devout respect for journalistic integrity (e.g. The New York Times) and a disdain for their slutty, uneducated sisters (e.g. Fox News).

No one debates the class whore, so I really don’t know why I’m diving into a peanut oil fryer of chicken nuggets and First Amendment rights.

But there is a good chance I’m premenstrual, and therefore cannot suppress the urge to share with you why I’m not eating *waffle fries today any more than I can overcome the desire to sneak up on my UPS man and hit him over the head with a frying pan because he left my new, poorly packaged Frye boots out in the rain.

The First Amendment does not exempt you from criticism

Let’s excuse them for not really understanding the First Amendment. They are just cows after all.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for redress of grievances.”

I don’t think anyone is saying that Chick-fil-A owner Dan Cathy had no right sharing with a Baptist newspaper reporter that he believes traditional marriage should be between only a man and a woman. The fact that his vitriol of gay marriage is plastered all over every social media outlet that exists is not only pure marketing genius on his part, but also a shining example of his First Amendment rights.

And of course he fucking believes in traditional marriage. His restaurant won’t even let my daughter pee in it on Sunday.

But what the First Amendment does not promise Cathy is an exemption from the backlash of people who think he is helping to thwart progress with not just his opinions but the power he holds as an owner of a $4 billion corporation that, oh by the way, just in case you might care, donates millions of dollars to anti-gay organizations.

Don’t believe they are anti-gay instead of just anti-gay marriage? One of the organizations to which Chick-fil-A’s philanthropic arm WinShape donated was Exodus International, which helps provide therapy to reform homosexuals. I want to know what PR person thought it was a brilliant choice to pass over starving children for “praying away the gay.”

Um, yeah. This was said.

‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,” Dan Cathy said. “And I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is about.”

Here’s how I interpret that statement: “By wanting to marry your partner to get his health benefits, you’re basically calling God an asshole, and you better hope he forgives your pompous ass or else you’re completely fucked in the afterlife.”

Cathy calls homosexuals “arrogant,” but never stops to consider maybe they are not even Christian. Maybe they don’t even believe in God. Or eating their own placenta (Deuteronomy 28:57). Maybe they just want the same rights to be miserable and to half their partner’s 401k as every other hetero couple out there?

I do, however, have to give kudos to Cathy for being a marketing guru. He has been quoted as saying they are “not anti-anything,” that their “mission is to create raving fans.”

Well played, Danny boy. Well played.

If you don’t believe in gay marriage. Then don’t do it.

What the Chick-fil-Assholes don’t get, is that people don’t care what they believe, but their beliefs effect change. I get that abortion, gay marriage, and apparently cutting the sides of your hair (Leviticus 19:27) are against your core values. So. Then. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

I don’t eat anything with a face.

But there is a big difference between me declining the osso bucco special at a restaurant with a polite “no, thank you,” than there is with me giving $1.9 million to organizations that promote throwing blood on your (yes, okay, my) leather boots and saying that the Bible thinks it’s a sin to eat meat.

Think this is a bit of a stretch? Well, so is: “If we allow homosexuals to marry…what’s next…GOATS?!”

And for the record, I’m totally okay with the Bible thinking homosexuality is a sin.

As long as you also believe in getting stoned to death for losing your virginity before marriage (or before your husband buys you for 50 pieces of silver), as well as getting stoned to death for adultery, not believing in the LORD, cursing your parents, et al. I hope you have a gravel walkway, because we’re all dying slow, painful deaths if we take the Bible literally.

My mom taught me more than just my forehead is too small for bangs

Back in 1970, my parents relocated from the northeast to Palm Beach County, Florida. During the drive down through the confederate flag-peppered south, they stopped at a gas station for a drink. My mom was waiting in line behind an African-American girl, no more than 10 years old, with a quarter in her hand anxious to buy a cold Coke on that steaming hot Summer day.

The store owner pointed to a sign that read, “No Negroes Allowed.”

The little girl said nothing, before turning sadly on her heels and walking out of the store, completely deflated. My mom went up to the counter and bought two Cokes. She glared at the owner and made it a point to tell him that she was keeping one, and giving the other to that little girl.

My mom would tell me this story and also how my father gave her the, “when in Rome, let’s not get dragged behind a pick-up truck” stinkeye while she undoubtedly returned his look with a, “don’t fuck with me or else your rectum is being used as a bottle opener.”

And I couldn’t believe that kind of prejudice and bigotry existed in her generation let alone mine.

Also, I secretly made a note that it was normal to want to kick your husband’s ass on a routine basis and that she probably shouldn’t have bought either Coke, let alone two, but I get caffeine withdrawals. So don’t judge.

Homosexuality is not akin to “I prefer blondes, but can be swayed to fuck a brunette”

If you’re like me, you believe that if people had a choice whether or not to be gay, they’d probably choose the path that would not involve a constant battle for equality or the need for very colorful parades.

And just as that little girl couldn’t choose her race, and I didn’t choose that my chin looks like a baby’s ass, homosexuals did not make a choice to love who they love. I understand this could be debated, but I’m erring on the side of those who recall getting butterflies at age seven when someone of the same gender touched their arm.

And because of that, I think the Chick-fil-Assholes are on the wrong side of history with this one.

Someday we will look back at this heated debate and see the people against gay marriage in the same light as that Florida gas station owner.

And I just want to be able to tell my daughter that I bought two Cokes that day.

*Full disclosure: I’m not eating at Chick-fil-A today because I never do. I am not boycotting or condoning boycotting them, I just find their food repugnant. It’s also worth noting that our local Chick-fil-A here in St. Petersburg is very generous and supportive of our community, and I applaud their workers for never begrudging the fact that children vomit in their play area on a daily basis. They also earned my respect when their marquee shared information about a peach milkshake instead of the Mike Huckabee-initiated “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.”