i only wear white when it rains

Well, picture Pamplona in July, the crowds at a Brazilian Soccer game during World Cup and Christmas Eve at International Plaza. Then add a few baby strollers used as steamrollers and women sporting their Juicy tracksuits, amped up on triple shots from Starbucks, and you’re living vicariously through my newly found love/hate relationship with Nordstrom Rack.

There was no containing my excitement as I skipped into the new space not-so-conveniently located at  North Dale Mabry near Wholefoods and Target. You know — the busiest street (and now parking lot) in all of Tampa. But I lucked out with a parking spot only a mile away from the store entrance where people were exiting heavily weighed down with reusable blue Nordstrom shopping totes. There was one woman who came out sans bags, which at the time was a bit of a mystery. I only knew we could never be friends.

As I entered the store, I honed in on the Splendid, Ella Moss, William Rast and James Perse racks like a fashion-seeking missile. Not yet cluttered like the migraine-inducing TJ Maxx, the brands and sizes delightfully matched their signs. As I started piling my forearms up with finds (who needs a cart? Shopping is my cardio), I glanced over at a line for the fitting room no less than one million anxious women deep. “Amateurs,” I snickered. It would be faster to buy the clothes, bring them home, try them on and return them. Actually, it would be faster to fly to the sweat shop where they’re made.

It wasn’t until I found a pair of Coach boots I’d donate a kidney for if only they were in my size that I realized that was the checkout line. I guess no one was standing there to accuse me of being brilliant. Glancing down at my watch, I realized I had only four hours until the Rays game. Might want to get in line now so as not to miss the first pitch. But not before I scooped up a pair of red, sequined Lelli-Kelly’s for my six year old, a Splendid heather grey jersey dress with a cleavage so deep its only accessory should be a stripper pole, a pair of jeans with a 3% chance of fitting me and a few other items at deeply discounted prices did I attempt to locate the start of the line. Once I did, I decided making a pitstop in the restroom first was a necessity since I did not bring a catheter (although I plan to next time along with my mother who I will use as a placeholder until I finish shopping, assuming that is not a crime).

My Rack recommendations follow:
1. Park next door at Target where you can caffeinate at its Starbucks before and after your shopping expedition.
2. Do not go near the layette section unless you plan to have more children because the clothes are so cute and affordable, I hope to get pregnant soon just to be able to shop in this section.
3. Like most clever retailers, the good stuff is generally up front. August silk Christmas sweaters for your Aunt Ethels are located a little further back. Skip this section. You have jeans to locate in a size other than 23.
4. Frederic Fekkai and other salon products are located by the registers, so don’t forget to pick some up before you stand in line because there’s no going back.
5. The shoe selection is surprisingly disappointing unless you’re a size 6 or way into ballet flats.
6. If you’re shopping alone with no Nana to hold your space in line, invest in Depends undergarments; you’re going to be there awhile.

Happy shopping my friends. I have to go pee now.