i only wear white when it rains

“It’s not catastrophes, murders, deaths and diseases that age and kill us; it’s the way people look and laugh, and run up the steps of omnibuses.” Virginia Woolf

Some of us totally decompensate in times of crisis. Others rally.

Some relationships end because of tragic circumstances. Betrayal. Infidelity. Mental illness. Substance abuse.

Others dissolve because of leaving crumbs in bed or humming the theme song to “Greatest American Hero.” My mom recently reminded me of a scene in the “Bridges Over Madison County” where the protagonist Francesca, after enduring years of her husband’s annoying screen door slamming habit, sees her photographer beau’s silent door close as a sign that he appreciates and respects her. They are soulmates. I don’t remember this scene because I wouldn’t watch that movie if you paid me in Jimmy Choos. But I can appreciate Francesca’s moment of clarity.

After witnessing relationships unravel around me at an alarming rate, it seems that more often than not it’s the screen door that has us calling it quits. It’s a symbolic gesture that means, “I’m not sure I care about you enough to respect your wishes, let alone wipe your ass down the line should you get rectal cancer.”

I have a dear friend who has been in the throws of a passionate, fast-paced love affair for the past six weeks or so. She was shocked to hear her lover express some concerns about moving forward. His explanation?

“When you returned to bed the other night with a banana…you didn’t ask me if I wanted a bite.”

For the record, I wish it was my torrid love affair to which I was referring. I laughed for 10 minutes straight after hearing her post-mortem, so I cannot imagine how much more amusing it would be to witness him actually try to explain that not offering up what seems like a pretty unshareable fruit would serve as his dealbreaker. Even after my friend, um, “shared” an unprecedented amount of herself.

I clearly have no idea what comprises a successful romantic relationship. But I’m beginning to think it probably lies somewhere in between the banana and the betrayal.