today’s affirmations (i think i’m finding jesus)
- I will remember that however tempting it may be, falling asleep with my hair wet is only acceptable when I’m being committed to an asylum the next day.
- I understand that the reason my ass looks fat in this terry Juicy jumpsuit, is because it is. I welcome that I’ll be confused with Kim Kardashian today and will embrace all the attention I get from black men.
- I will settle for a pedicure with Patty Melt this afternoon even though what I really need is a shot of Patron and Botox. I will be careful not to text her on my iPhone about this because it will autoINcorrect ‘pedi’ to ‘penis’ and we’ll end up someplace entirely different than Solar Nails.
- I trust that the package of “medicine” I just signed for from India contains Brian’s Viagra and not poison he will later slip into my Smart Water so that he can end his alimony obligation.
i only wear white when it rains 
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