i only wear white when it rains

10. I almost called 911 when I couldn’t locate my eye cream.

9. While on the phone with earthlink customer service this morning, the words, “Why are you torturing me?” actually came out of my mouth before I slammed the phone down. Twice.

8. I considered throwing out a perfectly good latte because the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks fingered the lid.

7. I have nothing to wear. All 400 square feet of my closet is filled with crap even a refugee would refuse to be seen in. To illustrate this point, I engaged in personal attacks while attempting to get dressed this morning. “You’re disgusting and wrinkled and a fuck!ng bitch for making my legs look fat.” I threatened extraditing several items to the Salvation Army, but know this would never happen since it would involve me actually cleaning out my closet.

6. While washing my face, my fingers ran across a marble-sized cyst that I was sure would require emergency Moh’s surgery by a board certified dermatologist. Turns out I probably just need a Biore strip and not to be in puberty.

5. I bit my lip so hard while inhaling an entire trough of pasta for dinner, I was pretty sure I needed a skin graft. Then I did it again two seconds later and almost cried.

4. I got annoyed with Celine Dion for reproducing. Again.

3. It took me 35 minutes to figure out how to erase an episode of “What’s New Scooby Doo?” on my DVR. This too almost made me cry.

2. I skipped yoga this morning to shop for new boots on Zappos.com instead. Then I had to take a nap from the pure exhaustion of it all.

1. After scarfing down two bags of Entenmann’s chocolate chip mini muffins, I finished off a box of cheddar bunnies organic snack mix. When the bag was empty, I slid my fingers across the bottom of it to lick off all that carcinogenic, sodium-flavored faux cheddar powder. I’d feel less disgusting after a one-night stand.