i only wear white when it rains

You’ll feel like you’re licking the armpit sweat off of a Falafel King employee with this homemade elixir which promises to terrorize your colon.

“The Spicy Armpit”

Ingredients:
4 oz of organic baby kale (triple washed to reduce your chances of salmonella poisoning by 1 to 2%, at most).

1 giant clump of ginger root that resembles the anatomically correct Fallopian tube model in your gynecologist’s office (I have no idea if you’re supposed to peel it first, so will most likely die because I didn’t).

4 peeled clementines (this will produce about 1/89 oz of juice, for the record; not enough to sweeten the bitter burst of kale death you’re about to experience).

1 overripe Pink Lady apple that you probably should have thrown out two weeks ago but you were too busy still cleaning out your juicer from last month.

Juice on high until the green sludge drizzles out into your juicing cup, like toxic fertilizer runoff into the Ohio River.

Throw out your juicer because it would be quicker to order a Blueprint juice and have it shipped 3-day air then it would be to clean that thing.

Pour into a cocktail shaker with ice (and vodka if you’re smart).

Enjoy while watching World Cup soccer and pretending it’s Julio Cesar’s ass sweat you’re chugging (which is pretty much the only way to get it down).