i only wear white when it rains

because blogging is cheaper than therapy

i’ll take one frosted triple bypass

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20130904-082434.jpgApparently the trainers at Crossfit and the St Petersburg Cardiology Group* formed an alliance to ensure the Copper Monkey and I stop spinning and spending half our week in downward facing dog.

Because after that sign flashes “Hot Now,” what’s the point?

It might not be 13th Street at midnight after we beat the Cinnamon Rolls**, but Vegas odds are high my fat ass will be drawn to that sign like a heat-seeking missile the second it burns red.

In the meantime, I’ve advised Lululemon to station therapists outside their dressing room. Thanks to their ridiculously short-crotched and anorexic-only workout gear, I have learned to make a noose out of a sports bra, and that was before this heart-choking mirage appeared near my daily commute (does it qualify as a “commute” if it involves little more than buying bottled water and tampons from Target?).

For those of you who haven’t yet swerved off the road when you spotted this sign go up (or aren’t on Copper Monkey’s Krispy Kreme phone tree), St. Pete’s one-and-only Krispy Kreme is now strategically located across from the drive-thru Starbucks on 4th Street (known in my Starbucks classification system as the “Russian Mob-ucks”). So, to really speed up the onset of type II diabetes, we can get our PSL (yes, I hate me too) and our glazed coronary artery disease all without turning off Diane Rehm.

Honestly, I cannot think of a better way to abuse my pancreas.

*Please don’t burn a cross on my lawn, Crossfitters. I’m kidding. Plus, there is no St. Petersburg Cardiology Group, so suck it.

**I was having an especially hard time understanding the bagger at Publix yesterday who was talking about my cinnamon rolls as she grabbed my cart from the parking lot. It wasn’t until she pointed to my license plate, and said, “Go Gators!” that I realized she was talking about the Seminoles. And then I felt really bad. For not understanding her. And also for hoping she wasn’t an alumna.

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Written by I only Wear White When it Rains

September 4, 2013 at 1:09 pm

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