i only wear white when it rains

1. Is it okay to skip the gym because you smell like oregano even though you essentially spent the last week shoveling apple pie down your esophagus?

Because this morning, as I was tearing open a lens wipe to clean my sunglasses, it wasn’t until I had a lap full of crushed red pepper that I realized it was actually a packet of pizza spice.

After counting the amount of wipes in my purse including GermX and those lifted from my doctor prior to giving a clean-catch urine sample, there was less than a 3 percent chance I’d empty a pizzeria into my pants.

Now, if I slip on a puddle of spilled Clamato at WholeFoods in an effort to smell even worse than I do right now (as if that’s possible) and split open my head (I always imagined my obituary to read pretty much just like that), my daughter’s last recollection of her mother will be a nonsensical, uncaffeinated rant complete with real tears.

“Can’t think. Too hard. Oregano on my Otterbox. Crushed red pepper in my shoe. I can’t wear Papa John.”

If I had been alone, my conniption would include nothing more than an ear-splitting motherfucker. But since I try to dilute the curse words she undoubtedly hears from her Nana who suffers from Tourette’s, I usually replace my goddammning with a string of confusing outbursts that, in retrospect, are probably more damaging.

2. Does it make one less benevolent to first remove the BoxTops from the nonperishables she’s donating to the holiday food drive?

3. Is it acceptable to buy the Christmas Classics boxed DVD set again because it’s easier than trying to find the one (or three) that you already have?

4. Should you tell your daughter her Elf Jingles is in rehab because you can’t find the little asshole or just replace him with another (like her dead pufferfish) hoping she won’t notice?

5. Is joining a new gym warranted because the guy who sweats out hash-browns always chooses the treadmill right next to you? Or should you just recognize that at the moment you smell like a pepperoni calzone and go with it?