i only wear white when it rains

As I peruse the paper in my car waiting for the gym (Nordstrom) to open (cardio Wednesday), it strikes me as odd that we have a truth-o-meter for politicians, but not for relationships.

I’m far from a shining example of relationship success or even good judgment, but I have amassed a fair amount of knowledge in my 30-cough years and can finally put my journalism background to work at debunking a few common myths and misconceptions.

So just as political fact checkers toil to research the accuracy of statements such as:

“The majority of Americans want Rick Santorum’s amygdala studied to determine if his insanity is congenital or the result of environmental pollutants.”

I too will try to bring some clarity and truth to the mind-numbing white noise we consider love.

This is specifically dedicated to those of you whose dysfunction combined with my own will hopefully one day fuel a reality TV show capable of earning us enough money to pay for our Botox and/or children’s therapy. Or, at the very least, cocktails at the Gimpy Vomit.

You know who you are.

“There are two sides to every story.”

(the second most annoying statement you will hear during a break up)

Sure two “sides” exist, but think of those sides as individual perceptions of reality. And some people’s reality is so completely distorted, it bears no actual resemblance to the truth.

So the next time a guy friend tells you his wife howls at the moon and sharpens her talons right before giving him half a hand job, you might want to recognize that his “side” should be given as much credibility as, say, Rick Santorum’s.

“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.”

(the single most annoying thing you will be told during a split)

Look, it’s a ridiculous statement that undermines the intelligence of any person experiencing challenges in a relationship.

Of course it’s not always greener, but who the fuck cares if your lawn is already dead?

“Divorce is the most effective diet plan out there.”

Next to salmonella poisoning, going through the trauma of a divorce is truly the best way to shed that baby weight.

But be careful. There is a fine line between fitting into your high school jeans and looking like you’re undergoing chemotherapy.

“Dating is the best form of entertainment.”

Because when that mature, charming, seemingly perfect 50-year-old guy who left a Gucci purse on your doorstep starts pulling up his dead wife’s Facebook page while you’re with him at a romantic retreat in Napa, you have to stop and appreciate the universe’s sense of humor.

And even if you’re finding it hard to laugh it off in between feeling obligated to say how pretty she is and “not at all sick looking despite the kidney dialysis,” at least know that you always can count on me to snort vodka out of nostrils from laughing so hard when you tell me about it later.

Plus, I will blog about it.

“If you’re smart, you’ll be the second wife.”

Shortly before I graduated college I was dating a sweet, successful JFK, Jr. lookalike who adored me.

The problem? I would have been his second wife.

Still so green and naive, this prospect had me feeling like a second round draft pick.

I was in my early 20s, 10 pounds thinner and had no gag reflex. I thought I deserved to go in the first round!

Here’s what I wish somebody would have shared with me then: the second wife is always held in higher esteem. She’s revered and recognized as the do-over that men are determined to make it work with since it’s a universal truth (to men) that one failed marriage is always the fault of the first wife. The second failed marriage, however, has the husband looking like the crushed, taped-up box of returned toys covered in clearance stickers on the Target endcaps. They will do anything the second time around to avoid looking like the unwanted throwback (again).

Their first wife was like the first pancake. Automatically tossed out because the second one always seems to turn out better. This determination not to be wrong (again) combined with the coaching and potty training of the first wife makes for a winning combination.

You see, the first wife always looks like the nagging bitch for whining about the toenail clippings all over the bathroom floor. But the second wife doesn’t bitch about that at all. You know why? Because there are no more toenail clippings on the floor! (you’re welcome)

“Women should marry a man about 10 years older.”

Because no matter how old they get or how many ear hairs they sprout, men never really stop wanting a 25-year-old (and we can only pull that off for about five years, max), it’s in every woman’s best interest to marry up about a decade.

The age difference is not vast enough to make you look like you have daddy issues, but it’s sufficient enough to ensure that your husband will worship you for years to come.

For instance, if guys your own age find you attractive, guys about 10 years older will find you beautiful. If you’re rocking less-than-average intelligence, to that older guy you’re simply adorable. Slutty? No problem. An older man will just think you’re adventurous! And no worries if you’re completely insane because to an older guy, that’s just idiosyncratic.

Not to mention older men are less likely to leave you for a younger woman since their ego prevents them from wanting to be mistaken for their wife’s father.

I really see no downside for either party when sticking to this rule since women are not afraid of a few grey pubic hairs or decreased sex drive.

All we really want is someone other than a Vietnamese woman we can’t understand to give us a foot rub and tell us we’re skinny.

“Men are complicated.”

Men are about the only math problem I can solve without a calculator. That’s not to say I like math or have any daily use for it, I’m just pointing out that I don’t think it’s astrophysics.

Men like breasts.

They expect you to swallow, stay thin, water them every once in awhile with a light beer, and not remind them how bat-shit crazy their mother is. They want you to let them watch endless, uninterrupted sports without judgement. They need to know they are your biggest and best.

Men like breasts.

“Monogamy is a simple formula.”

As long as the fear of losing the person you’re with outweighs your desire for another, you’ll remain monogamous:

I’d be lost without him/her >; Hot sex with spin instructor/nanny = Monogamy

Also, it’s helpful to realize that women cheat because they’re miserable. Men cheat because they can.

“Your soul mate & life mate are never the same person.”

The person who is so inexplicably tied to your soul that there is a cosmic collision whenever you’re together is rarely the same person who remembers to use a coaster.

The sooner you accept this as truth, the happier you’ll be.

Also, men like breasts.