i only wear white when it rains

For those of you making the trek to Orlando for “Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party,” do humanity a favor and leave your fairy wings at home.

Although I fully expected the children to be rocking the latest Halloween costumes, it’s pretty unsettling to see grown men wearing nothing but green felt loincloths as they wolf down churros and lose their kids. Morbidly obese women who appear to have brought back smallpox, dripping grease from a turkey leg on their Tinkerbell tutus? Check.

Despite witnessing enough weirdness to make me question procreation, I will admit that certain costumes were cleverly chosen and well executed. My personal favorite was Schneider from “One Day at a Time.” So impressed I was with his ensemble, I just had to complement him. His quizzical look and violent key jingling was followed by, “What costume?” and possibly a threat of violence that I didn’t really hear because by that time I was faking a seizure.

If you can get past the sea of glitter and inbreeding, Mickey’s Not So Scary is the best Fastpass you’ll ever have barring the one you’d get by storming into guest relations and threatening terrorist-like attacks because the Pygmy working at Space Mountain decided your daughter was one molecule below the 44-inch height requirement. (If you find yourself in this situation, I do not recommend saying: “And you’re about a foot shy of getting laid. Ever.”)

Because the $58 admission serves to eliminate probably 75% of Disney’s regular cretins, it’s not unusual to walk right on Space Mountain. Or to be able to ride Thunder Mountain so many times you actually start to ponder what color your vomit would be if you had a veggie burger swimming in French’s mustard and tangy Sweetarts for dinner.

Don’t expect too much from the Trick or Treating though. Basically you wait in an hourlong line behind a 56-year-old Snow White so that Disney employees standing at the finish can scoop up two MaryJanes from a garbage pail and throw them into your kid’s bag. Save yourself some time and olfactory assaults by picking up a bag of candy beforehand. That way you can forego those painful lines and instead shove a Tootsie Roll into your child’s mouth every time she complains that her costume is too itchy.

There is a Halloween Parade that features regular Disney characters (villains mostly) along with a few Haunted House/Halloween-themed appearances. It’s important to note that the fright factor of this parade or any other aspect of the event is nonexistent compared to the scariness of the people attending. The fact that they have the ability to reproduce is way more horrifying than any scare Disney could conjure up.

So if being terrified is not your thing, you may want to avoid eye contact with 80% of the park visitors (especially those from Indianapolis). Take a pass as well on the “Kimberly No Coordination Show.” It is there where you’ll risk witnessing my utter lack of gross motor skills when attempting to fold up a stroller to board the tram while also carrying a sleeping six year old. Lucky for me, said dirty-fingered child was sticky enough after running her hands across every handrail in the entire park (much to my horror and constant chiding) that she kind of just adhered to my shoulder while everyone in the transportation lot watched, trying to determine what the over/under was on me breaking my ass. A piece of advice: always take the over on that one.